`*`script proper`*`
(rechecked. safe print copy. memorize. good day)
My dear II-Berchmans. And readers. Here is the revised script with the necessary changes well ... changed already. If you spot anymore grammatical mistakes, please post a comment. And tell me what you think of it. I would like to especially thank Francesca Fernandez and Walton Tan and Mark Dinsay for helping me with the little things which could not have made this script possible. They were little things, but they're super important. Thank you guys. Hope you enjoy our version of India's popular epic "Ramayana". We did not stick to the story so much. But we brought it to the 21st century. So modern. I hope you get a few laughs too.
List of Characters (Official)
1. Charles Arenas - Sampathi
2. Lui Balbuena - monkey
3. Gabe Branzuela - Bharata
4. Gerard Caisip - Ravana
5. John Campo - Indrajit & Man 2
6. James Cebrecus - Mareecha (demon)
7. Jared Cordero - Abudhabi
8. Mark Dinsay - Narrator 1
9. John Icamen - Narrator 2
10. Jethro Ko - Monkey
11. Joseph Lim - Sadhu
12. Kevin Lim - King Dasaratha & Man 3
13. Kenneth Lucero - Kooni
14. Hendrich Lumakang - Monkey & Man 1
15. Justin Mahinay - Sugreeva
16. Roel Nunez - Hanuman
17. Bruce Odron - Jatayu
18. Joshua Olleras - Monkey
19. Matthew Rapes - Rama
20. Kean Romero - Lakshman
21. Carlos Tabada - Monkey
22. Stephen Tan - Jambavan (bear)
23. Walton Tan - Mareecha (golden deer)
24. Kevin Teng - Jambavan (monkey)
25. William Tiu - Monkey/short guy
26. Richard Uy - Kumbakarna
27. Rejzl Awit - Sita
28. Bernadette Chia - Demon
29. Francesca Fernandez - Kara
30. Williza Go - Kamavalli
31. Nicholette Legaspi - Thataka
32. Rae Legaspi - Viswamithra
33. Nacey Li - Demon
34. Eve Manzano - Demon
35. Margreth Montejo - Kaikeyi
36. Stephanie Olea - Soorpanaka
37. Dorothy Ong - Demon 1
38. Rhea Patalinjug - Demon 2
39. Abigail Sarza - Demon 3
40. Zalina Zapata - Demon 4
Scene 1 : Training
a. Viswamithra's Spirit Morals
... Trees standing at the back. Green pastures laid on the ground ...
* Rama and Lakshman squatting on the green pastures. Vishwamithra standing on one foot, and the other forming the number 4 in between them.
Viswamithra : Bbbrrreeeettttt in!!! Bbbrrreeeettttt out!!!
*imitates Ryan and Sharpay of the High School Musical.
Lakshman : Prrrrr!!!! Prrrrrr!!!
Rama : Mah!!!
Lakshman : Mah!!!
Rama : Mah!!!
Viswamithra : Release the demon within!!!
*rings a bell. Rama and Viswamithra fakes a seizure and rolls eyes.
Viswamithra : *hit forehead* Oh my Brahma Vishnu Shiva!!!
Rama : Did you here that, Lakshman? She said Brahma Vishnu Shiva!!!
Lakshman: *imitating Viswamithra*
Viswamithra : Grr. You two are real royal pains in the neck!
Rama : It's not that, madame Viswamithra. We're just tired of having to expel demons every single day.
Lakshman : That's right. And faking seizures is not nearly as fun as you think it might be.
Viswamithra : You want something else to do? Let's go on a field trip, then.
Lakshman : To where, madame Viswamithra?
Viswamithra : Oh, I don't even know if you'd enjoy it. Because we're simply heading to the Sarayu river.
*Lakshman hugs Rama tightly with a horrified expression.
Rama and Lakshman : Sarayu River???
*Rama sounds fascinated while Lakshman sounds as horrified as he looks.
Scene 2 : Sacrifice in Sarayu
*Viswamithra leads Rama and Lakshman out the door then enters again.
*Lakshman talks to Rama while walking. Viswamithra tries to pretends to ignore them.
Lakshman : Rama, aren't you scared of the Sarayu river? It's haunted, you know.
Rama : Really? Haunted by ... a ghost or something else even more fictional?
Lakshman : I am serious! It's haunted by a demon. She feeds on fear and leads men to their fall. The place was once a popular spot for performing rituals of the occult.
Rama : A demon woman? That does sound serious! Lakshman, stop this nonsense.
... River flowing down. It is surrounded by trees at the back and right side to the audience ...
*Rama, Lakshman, and Viswamithra continues their journey and exits for some time.
*Soorpanaka, Thataka, and Kara enters laughing horribly.
Kara : Did you see the look on that mortal's face?
Thataka : Eternally unforgettable. It's great to be a demon.
Soorpanaka : Not as great as being the princess of the demons.
*Soorpanaka, Thataka, and Kara continues to laugh horribly.
Soorpanaka : Shut up! Mortals are coming.
Thataka : How delightful. Victims in my sanctuary!
Kara : Yes. You always get all the fun.
Soorpanaka : Shut up! Shut up!
*Soorpanaka, Thataka, and Kara hides behind the trees.
*Viswamithra, Rama, and Lakshmana enters again. Lakshmana walking close to Rama.
Lakshmana : I just know she's here. I can sense the bad energy.
Viswamithra : Very good, very good. By releasing your own evils, you now see evil in someone and something else.
Kara : He must be talking about you.
Thataka : Have I gone popular all of a sudden ...
Soorpanaka : You know, he's really hot.
Kara and Thataka : The coward???
*Lakshman pulls out his sword and pretends to protect himself. Rama looks on amused.
Soorpanaka : No. The hunky youth.
Thataka : Hmm ... Oh yes, he is. Just look at his face. It's been carved by angels ...
Kara : And the abs. Don't forget about the abs.
*Soorpanaka, Thataka, and Kara laughs horribly.
Lakshman : I heard that, demon!
*Lakshman swings his sword mercilessly. Thataka reveals herself.
Thataka : You rang?
Lakshman : Agh! Defend me, broooother.
*Lakshman tries to jump into Rama's arms. Thataka stalks him.
Thataka : Boo!
Lakshman : Ahhhh! It's just a dream. It's those dreams when you know you're dreaming ...
*Lakshmanasquats on the floor, thumbsucks, and closes his eyes and moves back and forth.
Rama : So it's true? A demon haunts this river of Sarayu.
Thataka : The name is Thataka and I welcome you to my humble abode.
Rama : Not for long.
*Rama pulls out his bow and arrow. Viswamithra enjoys herself splashing water.
Thataka : They always say that. What a battered line! You cannot possibly fight a woman.
Rama : Of course I cannot. But please consider the fact that you're not a woman.
*Rama and Thataka begins to circle.
Thataka : Take that back, bozo!
Rama : Never! Harharhar.
Thataka : Azuraaaaaaaaaaas!
*One by one, azuras come out of the trees
a. Confrontation of the Asuras
*Azuras jump in and attack Rama. Rama kills them. Thataka sits down amused.
*Rama kills all the azuras and pretends to brush his hair.
Thataka : Geez, what do you want with me?
Rama : You're a demon. As I eliminate creatures like you, I can wipe off evil one by one from the face of this world.
*Rama chokes Thataka.
Thataka : Just to let you know ... I won't surrender without a fight.
*Thataka pulls out her sword.
Rama : And I? ... I never surrender!
*Fighting scene.
b. Death of Thataka
*Rama and Thataka hides at the back of the trees for safety.
Thataka : Look mortal! Cinderella is stripping over there!
Rama : Thataka! You've got to see this, Snow White's eighth dwarf is waving at you!
Thataka : Where?
*Thataka sticks out her head. Rama shoots an arrow.
Rama : If I were you, I'd die of shame. Not of some spear.
Thataka : I feel foolish. This is not the end, mortal!
Rama : The name is Rama, prince Rama.
*Rama puts back his bow and brushes his hair.
Thataka : Oh whatever. I heal quick. Vengeance will soon be mine!
*Thataka falls.
Scene 3 : Love at First Sight
a. Meeting of Rama and Sita
... Ridged cemented fences of a castle balcony ...
*Rama and Lakshman sits and rests on the floor, blood-soaked.
Lakshman : This is the last draw, Rama! I am tired of being splashed at demons' blood!
Rama : I am happy that you've learnt to keep yourself safe when I fight.
Lakshman : Oh sure. It's a gift, alright. To have a superhero for a younger brother, too.
*Sita appears out of the blue and looks blankly at the sky.
Rama : Don't superheroes get lady-loves, too?
Lakshman : I suppose. Superman and Lois Lane. Spiderman and Mary Jane.
Rama : Then I guess I've found mine.
*Rama looks up longingly at Sita while sitting. Lakshman looks up at her too.
Rama : Come, Lakshman. I have to see this woman.
*Rama rises and pulls Lakshman up.
b. Pledge of Love
... Fancy things hang the walls of the castle ...
*Rama finds Sita, leaves Lakshman, and kneels before her.
Rama : Oh fair maiden, how I've watched you from a far.
Lakshman : Here he goes again.
*Lakshman talks to the audience. And mocks Rama.
Lakshmana : How I gazed upon your resplendent beauty.
Rama : How I gazed upon your resplendent beauty.
Lakshmana : Your hair black as ebony.
Rama : Your hair black as ebony.
Lakshmana : Skin as white as snow.
Rama : Skin as white as snow.
Lakshmana : Lips red as rose.
Rama : Lips red as rose.
*Lakshman rolls his eyes.
Sita : A song?
Rama : A song that is singing in my heart.
Sita : A poem?
Rama : A poem that is beating in my soul.
Sita : A fairytale?
Rama : A fairytale my mother used to read to me. Oh ... no no no no no no no. It's not that, miss.
Short Guy : That's princess to you, young man! I, as the King Janaka's royal advisor, demands you show respect towards the princess Sita.
Rama : Your highness. Let me introduce myself ...
Short Guy : Ep ep ep. Fall in line!
*Short guys points at the line.
*A Long Line of Boys standing before Rama and Lakshmana.
Lakshmana : Some fancy place we got here.
*Rama and Lakshman looks awestruck at the place.
*Lakshman bumps into a man unknowingly.
Man 1 : Hey, everyone has to wait for their turn to seek the princess' hand, you know.
Lakshman : It's not I who has come to seek her hand but my brother. We're princes from a land faraway.
Man 1 : I don't care even if you're the incarnation of the god Vishnu!
Rama : Is there a celebration in the palace today, by any chance?
Man 1 : There will be. When I can successfully accomplish the task. And I just know today's my lucky day.
Man 2 : What makes today any different than the last 99 days you've been coming in and out of the palace?
Man 1 : I was going to ask you the same question!
*Man 1 and Man 2 continues to argue while Rama slips off to ask Man 3. Lakshmana looks at Man 1 &2 with great interest.
Rama : Excuse me, sir, but what are they talking about?
Man 3 : Princess Sita's beauty is known far and wide. She is the King Jakana's foster daughter, and a very precious one, I have to say. Because of a pledge, she is only to be married to the man who can lift, bend, and string the giant bow of Shiva. Everyone failed of course but that never stops us.
Lakshman : Where's the king?
Man 3 : Always out of town. He trusts that no one can possibly do the task. He'd rather have his precious jewel and old maid than have her married off. Failed again, you guys?
Man 1 and 2 walks away.
Man 1 and 2 : Tomorrow will surely be the day.
Man 3 : May the best man win.
*Man 3 shakes Rama's hand. And tries to lift, bend, and string the giant bow but fails.
Man 3 : Tomorrow might surely be the day. Tsk tsk tsk.
*Man 3 walks away.
Short Guy : Hey, loverboy. You're turn.
Rama : Who? Me?
Short Guy : Yeah you. I don't know why I even bother to let you try!
*Short guy continues to blab and does not realize that Rama has accomplished the task.
Short Guy : Oh my Brahma Vishnu Shiva! The chosen one. And who might you be, chosen one?
Rama : As I have tried to say a while ago, I am Prince Rama of Ayodha and this is my ...
Short Guy : Your elephant driver, no doubt.
Lakshman : Who do you think you are, shorty?
Rama : Actually, he's my brother, Prince Lakshman.
Short Guy : He did look a bit like royalty.
c. Marriage
Rama : So ... um ... I've heard that ... ugh ... when I finish the task successfully ... ugh.
Short guy : Let the wedding bells ring!
*Colorful cloths drape over ceilings. Bells ring.
Short guy : Do you, Prince Rama of Ayodha, take Princess Sita of Mithila to be your lawful wedded wife? In ...
Lakshmana : sickness and in health ... yada yada yada ... get on with it.
Rama : I ... I do.
Short Guy : Princess?
Sita : I do.
Short Guy : In the name of Brahma, may you bring forth many lives upon this earth. I now pronounce you husband and wife.
*Rama looks at Sita but she looks away-a bit shy. Short guy cries tears of joy.
Scene 4 : Return to Aydohya
a. Retirement of Dasaratha
...palace setup...
*King Dasaratha sits at his throne next to Kaikeyi...
Rama : Father, we have returned.
King Dasaratha : My sons! My sons!
*King Dasaratha stands, runs, and hugs his two sons. Sita looks out of place and Kaikeyi eyes on her suspiciously.
Rama : Father, this is the princess of Mithila, Sita, my ... uh ... wife.
Lakshman : He was permitted to marry her after he played with a bow.
King Dasaratha : The bow of Shiva! You must be the beloved daughter of the King Jakana, I pressume?
Sita : Yes, my lord.
b. Rama's Promise of the Kingdom
*King Dasaratha grabs his son and whispers to his ear...
King Dasaratha : You know, Rama, you're good looking and all. Just like your old man. But you have absolutely no chance of this princess whose beauty is known far and wide.
Rama : Just as you had no chance of my mother. Exactly like my old man. Hehehey ...
*King Dasaratha laughs and puts Rama's arms around Sita's shoulders...
King Dasaratha : Son, I've always been proud of you. And you two, Lakshman. And now I see the future of my beloved Ayodhya in your hands, my sons. I shall now retire from my throne, power, and crown, and have you, Rama, take over as ...
*Kaikeyi stands up and caresses Dasaratha.
Kaikeyi : My lord, you do not look at all well. Let us retire to our quarters and have you brought up tea. Sita, you must bring your father-in-law tea.
*Sita nods in full obedience
King Dasaratha : But I assure you that I am well enough.
Kaikeyi : No, I cannot have you faint and lose consciousness again.
King Dasaratha : If you say so.
*King Dasaratha and Kaikeyi goes out.
Scene 5 : Scheming Kaikeyi
a. Interference of Kooni
*Kaikeyi strodes off and stomps her feet grumpily.
*Kooni walks hunchback-ly towards her.
Kooni : What is wrong, my lady?
Kaikeyi : That Rama and Lakshman manage to return to Ayodhya well. I could have sworn they'd die out there. And they bring a petty princess. As if she is useful in the castle.
Kooni : She's not serving you.
Kaikeyi : Oh, but she must.
Kooni : She'll become queen.
Kaikeyi : I cannot allow that! No! What must I do, Kooni? What? What? What?
*Holds Kooni's shirt and shakes him back and forth dangerously.
*Kaikeyi drops him to the ground when Bharata enters suddenly.
Bharata : Mother?
Kaikeyi : Baby, what brings you here?
Bharata : I was just getting this. Excuse me.
*Bharata leaves hurriedly with a confused expression.
Kooni : I suggest you remind King Dasaratha of your bargain. A long time ago.
b. Seduction of Kaikeyi
*King Dasaratha lies down on his bed as Kaikeyi approaches him.
Kaikeyi : Something troubles me, my lord.
King Dasaratha : What is it, my lady?
Kaikeyi : I don't want to be not a queen anymore!
King Dasaratha : Is this why you faked my sickness?
*King Dasaratha stands. Enraged.
*Kaikeyi pushes him back to his bed.
Kaikeyi : Did you suddenly forget our bargain? I shall say it now! Banish Rama! Banish him from Ayodhya.
King Dasaratha : I refuse.
Kaikeyi : You have no other choice. I will it.
*King Dasaratha weeps.
Scene 6 : The Exile
a. Leaving Ayodhya
... Lots of trees and vines ...
*Rama, Sita, and Lakshman travels endlessly.
b. Death of Dasaratha
... back in the castle of Ayodhya ...
*Kaikeyi finds King Dasaratha dead and looks at his body coldly.
*Bharata rushes and hugs the dead king.
Bharata : Oh father, oh father!
Kaikeyi : Hush, my darling. There is no use, weeping for a dead man.
*Kaikeyi lets Bharata up.
Kaikeyi : You, my son, are now king of all of Ayodhya.
Bharata : No, Rama should be.
Kaikeyi : Oh, but is he here? Rama? Rama?
Bharata : It was a setup! I should have known. I shall not take the throne then.
*Bharata leaves stumping followed by Kaikeyi running after him.
... a grand throne stands on the center of the stage ...
*Bharata puts Rama's sandals on the throne.
Kaikeyi : What is the meaning of this?
Bharata : It is a symbol of Rama's genuine authority over the land. I am just going to supervise, in a way, but he is still king of Ayodhya. The rightful king. It was his birthright, in the first place.
c. Living in the Forest
... setup surrounded by shrubbery, vines, big trees ...
*Lakshman and Rama walks in the forest carrying piles of woods with them. Sita walks ahead, quite a far distance.
Lakshman : Remind me again why I had to come with you here? In this wasteland? When my butt should have been there, flat on the castle's cushions?
Rama : I do not know why you came here with me.
Lakshman : Then why obey father's wishes? Clearly it was not his, but that whore he's been sleeping with since mother died.
Rama : It's my duty to obey his wishes. And his obligation to fulfill the promise he had promised her.
Lakshman : Sucks for us, though. All we have is little food and water!
Jatayu : Hello! Hello!
*Jatayu says flapping his wings and circling them.
Rama : Is that a bird?
Lakshman : Or a plane?
Jatayu : Greetings, my friends. I am Jatayu, your friendly junglehood eagle.
*Jatayu says by posing proudly.
Rama : Pleased to meet you, Jatayu. I am Rama and ...
Lakshman : I am his brother, Lakshman. Are there more weirdos like you out here?
*Jatayu looks away. Hurt. And Rama nudges Lakshman as he looked away.
Rama : I am sorry, Jatayu. We do not think you are a weirdo. Can you help us?
*Jatayu faces them again with a freakish smile.
Jatayu : My sir, it is my greatest pleasure to help humans in this part of the jungle. Are you lost?
Rama : Not exactly. Lakshman, I think he's really eager to help us.
Lakshman : I am quite convinced, too. Jatayu, my flying friend, tell us where we can find building materials.
Jatayu : Are you planning to live in the jungle? With a woman? In THIS jungle?
Rama : It's what our father wishes.
Jatayu : Who ARE the weirdos now. Just go straight until you find an empty space surrounded by 24? 23? 89? Trees.
*Rama and Lakshman looks at him in disbelief which he does not notice because he was looking at his watch.
Jatayu : Oh look at the time. It flies. And I better, too. Good luck, my two-legged friends.
*Jatayu makes a salute and acts like superman and sings a horrible imitation the superman theme song.
Lakshman : Okay ... so ... what were the last words father told you?
*Rama halts with an embarrassed expression. Lakshmana looks at him suspiciously.
Lakshman : So this is how he pictured you and your bride's honeymoon, aye? In the middle of nowhere! And this is where you are going to consumate ... ???
Rama : Why does marriage always connect to the consumating part? I mean, I won her because of some bow thing and even though she's really beautiful, slender, and pleasing, I don't see myself actually ...
Lakshman : Making love to her?
*Rama nods slowly.
*Lakshman flashes a mischievous smile.
Rama : Come on, let's build a hut before it gets too dark.
*Rama and Sita sits around the campfire. Rama feeds it.
Sita : Oh!
*Rama laughs hoping she'd laugh with him but ended up stopping it before he can embarrass himself further.
Rama : Ehem... So...
Sita : We don't really talk much. In fact, I do not know anything about you, Rama.
Rama : I, too. It's a shame we never even had time for each other. After the wedding, we spent nights travelling to the palace. When we arrived there, we got banished. We never spent a night alone ... and ...
*Rama suddenly notices how "pushy" he sounded and stopped looking awkward.
Sita : Think about it this way, we get to spend "tonight" alone.
Rama : No, it's not what I meant!
Sita : You do not desire me? I've ... I've never felt so insulted in my entire life!
Rama : I very much do! But ...
Sita : Fine! Just ... just ... sleep with your older brother! Good night!
*Sita walks out of him and Lakshman looks at her wondering.
Lakshman : That did not look good.
Rama : I thought I was pushy. Then she got all pushy. And then, everything just came out wrong.
Lakshman : You sound gay. Denying her.
Rama : Hey, I'm not gay!
Lakshman : Then march in there and show you're a man! If you know what I mean.
Rama : I'm not in the mood.
Lakshman : I'm not sharing my hut with you. I'm not your wife!
*Lakshman laughs and walks away-but not angry or irritated as Sita was.
*Rama shrugs and sleeps on the cold ground.
Scene 7 : The Love-Stricken Demon
a. Chancing Demon Chics
... morning in the wilderness ...
Soorpanaka : I am sure he is somewhere in the forest.
Thataka : I cannot believe this! After he tried to kill one of your best friends, you still actually like him?
Kara : You have to admit that the abs are ...
Soorpanaka : He's there! Shut up and hide.
b. Rejection of Rama
*Soorpanaka, Thataka, and Kara hides under a bush. Soorpanaka shows herself suddenly.
Soorpanaka : Hi.
Rama : Hi.
*Rama does not pay attention to Soorpanaka.
Soorpanaka : What are you doing?
Rama : I am collecting eggs.
Soorpanaka : I really like you.
Rama : Thank you.
*Looking at her awkwardly.
Soorpanaka : No, I mean, I've always loved you.
Rama : What? Ok ... You don't even know me!
Soorpanaka : I do. You're Prince Rama of Ayodhya who fight the forces of evil. You're so brave and handsome and ...
*Soorpanaka starts touching him and he shoves her off.
Rama : Look, little missy. I don't know who you are and how in the world did you know and even find me, but you're starting to freak me out. Besides, I'm married.
*Rama walks away, looks back, and runs fast.
*Thataka and Kara approaches her.
Kara : Ooh, tough luck, sis.
Thataka : I knew he was a jerk! Why did you even reconsider.
Soorpanaka : He didn't even look at me!
*Soorpanaka cries.
Thataka : You know, men. They're all the same.
Kara : Yes. Why do you think your brother punished Thataka so brutally when she was defeated in the battle in Sarayu?
Thataka : Because I failed him. And that is all there is to it.
Kara : No! Because you're not beautiful. All men care about is beauty, you know. Even though they wear off as women age.
Soorpanaka : But demons are forever damned to look ugly. Even though we don't age.
Thataka : That's why Ravana never looks at me the way I ...
*Kara and Soorpanaka looks at her.
Thataka : I ... I ... should be treated! As an equal like all the other demons! He's such a big jerk!
Kara : Beauty! As if it really matters!
*Soorpanaka snaps.
Soorpanaka : That's it!
*Soorpanaka hides from a tree then Kamavalli appears.
Kamavalli : Seducing enough?
Kara : Who are you?
Thataka : That's Soorpanaka, you twit!
Kamavalli : A demon always gets what she wants! Hahaha.
c. Beautiful Liar
... in Rama's camp ...
*Rama cooks eggs while Sita and Lakshman are still asleep.
*Kamavalli screams (fake) calling for help
Kamavalli : Help! Help!
Rama : Are you alright, miss?
*Kamavalli falls into Rama's arms pretending to be weak.
Kamavalli : I ... I ... don't really know.
Rama : What happened to you?
Kamavalli : I was pursued by demons.
Rama : Come, I'll bring you to camp.
*Rama brings Kamavalli to camp.
*Lakshman and Sita looks at her with awe and wonder.
Lakshman : So, how did you get mixed up with the demons, miss?
*Lakshman talks to the stranger and continues to build another hut for Rama.
Kamavalli : It's easy. You walk alone, scared in the jungle. And being a princess ...
Lakshman : You're a princess?
Kamavalli : Yes, in fact, I am Princess Kamavalli of the nothing in particular. I've ran for days after I left home.
Lakshman : Why?
*Sita interrupts the conversation.
Sita : Oh, these eggs are tough material!
*Sita says as she scrapes the eggs from their "cooking pan".
Rama : Let me help you with that.
*Rama says helping Sita scrape the overcooked eggs.
Sita : Why did you leave them in the first place?
Rama : It was an accident!
*Rama falls and Sita falls on top of him.
*Kamavalli gets annoyed and makes up more lies.
Kamavalli : A man rejected my promise of love for him. Promise of wealth, royalty, and a kingdom.
Rama and Sita : No kidding!
*Rama and Sita looks at each other and realizes they are still on top of one another. They stood up right away and pretended to do other things.
Lakshman : He has got to be a jerk!
Kamavalli : In fact, he is.
Scene 8 : Losing Breasts
a. Blackmailing Sita
... Evening falls over the campsite ...
*Rama, Sita, Lakshman, and Kamavalli sits around the campfire.
Lakshman : So, do you come here often?
*Lakshman flirts Kamavalli who ignores him and stares at Rama intently.
*Rama and Sita fighting over a stupid thing.
Lakshman : You know, I hope someday, this world of ours will prosper!
*Kamavalli completely ignores him.
Lakshman : *sighs. Ok, I'm going to bed now.
*Lakshman stands up and goes to his hut.
Rama : My nerves are sending an impulse to my brain that I must empty my urinary bladder to release my urine which contains salts, water, and uric acid. And if I don't release it, it might turn into stones. So excuse me.
*Rama leaves.
*After an awkward moment of silence between Kamavalli and Sita, Lakshman screams from his hut.
Sita : Excuse me, it seems that my dear brother-in-law has once again found another bug.
*Sita enters Lakshman's hut and Rama returns shortly.
Rama : I heard a sound. What happened? Where's my wife?
*Sounds came from Lakshman's hut. Kamavalli's and Rama's attentions are diverted toward it.
Sita : Wait, are you sure we should do this?
Lakshman : I'm sure. Very sure!
Sita : Fine, let's first admire the beauty of this creature.
Lakshman : No. Let's just get this over with. Faster! Faster!
Sita : Okay. Okay. Let's just be gentle.
Lakshman : No! More force! More force!
Rama : What are they doing? Killing a bug or something? What the hell!
Kamavalli : Isn't it obvious? ... Let's talk somewhere else.
*Both leave the campsite.
Rama : What are they doing? What's going on??
Kamavalli : You know...
Rama : Oh! You mean ...
Kamavalli : Ya!!
*Kamavalli nods her head slowly.
Rama : That's impossible!!! She's a married woman...
*Rama was close to tears. He couldn't accept and he tried to think of things that could explain what happened.
Kamavalli : Stop it, Rama! Are you blind? Are you mute? Are you deaf? Can you feel the love?
Rama :Tonight? Between them?
Kamavalli: No! Between us! I really like you!
*starts touching his chest in the same way Soorpanaka did. Rama pushes Kamavalli away.
Kamavalli : Why are you always doing this to me?
Rama : Wait! You're that retarded girl who is obsessed with me!
Kamavalli : Now that I have your attention ...
Rama : How dare you accuse my wife of cheating on me!!!
*Rama attempts to hit her
Kara : Friendship!!!
*Kara and Thataka jumps out
Rama : You! I slayed you already!!!
Thataka : I told you I heal quick ... bozo.
Kara : Your Demonness!! Are you okay? Ravana was looking for you.
Rama : Ravana?
Thataka : Uh, yeah. The king of the demons. Just some hot guy ...
*The 3 demons jump up and down and squeal excitedly. Rama accidentally chops off Kamavalli's boobs. Kara and Thataka picks them up.
Kara and Thataka : Are these fake?
Kamavalli : EEEEEE!!!! Shut up! Shut up! You'll pay for this!
*Poof! They disappeared into the darkness.
Scene 9 : Big Brother
a. Asking Help
... In Ravana's dark lair ...
*Ravana sits on his evil throne with an angry-pressured-worried expression.
Ravana : Abudhabi !!!
Abudhabi : Yes, your hotness Ravana?
*Abudhabi enters looking all sexy.
Ravana : I summon you!
Abudhabi : Hotness! Do not be hot! Do you want me to massage you? Front? Back? Up? Down? Lotion? Powder?
Ravana : Where's my sister? Why isn't she here, yet?
Abudhabi : Your hotness, be cool. What do you want me to do for you? To ease your sufferings? I cannot bear to see you like this.
Ravana : Leave me!
Abudhabi : I cannot. Can't you feel the heat between us?
Ravana : What in my demon's name are you talking about?
Abudhabi : Coffee, milk, or me? Choose now or forever ...
Kamavalli : Give it a rest, Abudhabi!
*Kamavalli appears suddenly with Thataka and Kara.
Ravana : Where have you been, Soorpanaka? Why do you look like that?
*Kamavalli crosses her arms and shakes her head. Almost bursting to tears.
Ravana : Answer me, you two! You must have been there! Thataka!
*Thataka looks at him with an eyebrow raised and looks away.
Ravana : How dare you not answer me!
Thataka : I cannot talk, remember? You commanded me not to.
Ravana : How dare you talk back at me?
*Thataka looks at him confused and sighs.
Ravana : Speak! Or ... Kara!
Kara : Yes, Ravana?
Ravana : What happened to my sister?
*Kamavalli runs, becomes Soorpanaka, and hugs Ravana.
Soorpanaka : It was horrible, big brother! There was this guy and I thought he was as in to me as I was to him but he turned out to be a jerk and ... and ...
Thataka : He chopped these off.
*Thataka says raising Kaikeyi's/Soorpanaka's breasts.
Ravana : What man would dare do this?
Kara : Throw them to me, Thataka! Let's play!
Thataka : You can have them. I'll leave now. Princess Soorpanaka, Kara, Abudhabi, ... your highness ...
*Thataka leaves.
Kara : I better leave as well. Princess Soorpanaka, Abudhabi, Kara ... oh wait ... I am Kara! Good night!
*Kara hurries and follows Thataka to the darkness.
b. Soorpanaka's Gossips
*Now, Soorpanaka sits next to Ravana who is sitting in his throne trying to comfort his sister.
Ravana : Why would a man do that to you? Who is he?
Soorpanaka : His name is Rama. He might have done it because he found out that I was a demon.
Ravana : Is that really worth cutting off breasts? Can't he respect a princess? Or a woman?
Soorpanaka : He's in love with his wife. She's really beautiful with beautiful eyes, beautiful figure, beautiful hair, beautiful heart, and everything beautiful. But less beautiful than I am, of course.
Ravana : Beautiful, aye? Abudhabi!
*Abudhabi enters in PJs.
Abudhabi : Yes, your hotness?
Ravana : Get me my coat. It's time to visit this ... who is she again?
Soorpanaka : Sita? Eww. Are you suddenly in love with her?
Ravana : Think of it this way. I get to have Sita and you get to have this man of yours.
Soorpanaka : Oh big brother! You're the best!
Ravana : You see, Soorpanaka, I speak with a double tongue. So put your faith in me in everything.
Soorpanaka : Thanks, big brother!
*Soorpanaka hugs Ravana.
Scene 10 : The Love-Stricken Demon (Part 2)
a. Sending Bad Weather and Calamities
... Still in the evil lair of Ravana ...
*Ravana stomps his way throwing his coat that Abudhabi catches.
Soorpanaka : Big brother, you are back! Did you talk to her?
Abudhabi : What's the matter, your hotness?
Ravana : She's too beautiful. You are right. Like a painting that came to life. Every bit of her-perfection.
Soorpanaka : And?
Ravana : I did not have the courage to approach her.
Soorpanaka : What??? Are you suddenly a coward? Are you not the king of demons and tricks and lies? What made you suddenly stupid?
Ravana : Shut up! I just need to clear my mind for a second.
*Ravana sits on his throne and massages his forehead.
Soorpanaka : Or are you just inferior of her husband? Did you see him? Was he as handsome as he was in my dreams last night?
Ravana : You still like him? After he chopped your boobs off?
Soorpanaka : Big brother ...
*Soorpanaka sounds childish and drags herself next to Ravana.
Soorpanaka : That's love.
Ravana : Stop acting like a fool. You are 700 years old.
Soorpanaka : And a 1000-year-old demon who does not know what love is. Just dragging pretty girls from all ages and performing rituals on them to make them immortal. I mean, look at them.
*Demon-ladies dance around Ravana and entertain him.
Ravana : They are perfectly happy.
Soorpanaka : They always seem to be. To please you. Maybe Sita is like this to Rama. Just do your thing, Ravana. From what I've heard, he has still not professed his love to her. He won her as a prize.
Ravana : Really?
*Ravana rubs his chin pretending to scratch his beard. And then makes a really long evil laugh.
*Ravana recites an evil poem/curse.
Scene 11 : Got Your Nose
a. Visiting Uncle Mareecha
... In a cave ...
Mareecha : Oh gods and goddesses of the heavens. Hear me, a poor demon. Give me peace. Give me ... NIRVANA!
Ravana : Yoohoo, Uncle Mareecha? Still in this ruin?
Mareecha : Well if isn't my nephew. Your highness. What brings you here?
Ravana : Am I disturbing you?
Mareecha : You disturb me of your sudden kindness towards me.
Ravana : What on earth, are you talking about, Uncle?
*Ravana laughs plastic-ly and pats his uncle on the shoulder and Uncle Mareecha laughs worriedly.
Mareecha : So, how are you, nephew?
Ravana : Not all fine.
Mareecha : You might need some peace in the very chaotic kingdom you rule. Have you tried meditating? It's very effective. And there's yoga which really gives the feeling of ...
*Uncle Mareecha pauses and sniffs and breathes deeply. Ravana looks at him worriedly.
Ravana : What?
Mareecha : Serenity
*Uncle Mareecha says in the most dramatic voice.
Ravana : No, it's actually about a woman.
*Ravana rubs his forehead, half-embarrassed.
Mareecha : A woman, aye? How can I help you, then? Advise? Hmm. Tell her that her eyes sparkle like diamonds, her hair moves like satin in the winds, and her body moves like the fragile bamboos. Oh, and tell her that she smells good. It always works. Believe me, I ...
Ravana : No! You stupid insufficient idiot!
*Ravana realizes what he did was wrong so he laughed nervously at pretended he was joking.
b. Threatening of Mareecha
Mareecha : Ravana? ... Are you on drugs?
Ravana : No! I need you to abduct her, okay?
Mareecha : And what if I say no? That is no way to treat a lady!
Ravana : Then ... I will get this!
*Ravana pretends to get Mareecha's nose and tricks him by showing him a fake nose.
Mareecha : Is that ... is that my nose?
Ravana : In a matter of seconds, you will die because you cannot breathe. Come on, uncle, tic toc tic toc.
Mareecha : This is unfair. Give it back and I will tell you my decision.
*Ravana "gives" his nose back with a shrug.
Ravana : So what will it be you pathetic baffoon? Are you willing to abduct the woman in exchange for your life?
Mareecha : No! I will not.
*Ravana pretends to get Mareecha's mouth and tricks him by showing a fake mouth.
Mareecha : Is that ... is that my mouth?
Ravana : What Uncle Mareecha? I cannot hear you?
Mareecha : But I can hear myself talking! Why can't you hear me?
*Uncle Mareecha screams Ravana's name a few time but Ravana just enjoys his suffering and dances with it.
*Ravana decided to "give" back his mouth.
Ravana : So what will it be again, you huge pile of a moron? Are you willing ...
Mareecha : Nooooo! You, young man, have to learn to discipine your urge to pick on my anatomy!
*Ravana "pretends" to get his heart this time and shows a fake one to him.
Mareecha : Is that my heart?
Ravana : You will not feel anything until you get this back. No emotions, no cowardice, no serenity, and no nirvana. Until you are willing to help me. Abduct that woman and you can continue with your life.
*Mareecha hesitates for a moment and then bows his whole body in surrender.
Scene 12 : Abduction-Seduction
a. Fascination of the Deer
... Back in the forest where Rama, Sita, and Lakshman camped ...
*Sita is cooking the eggs, Lakshman is gathering dried leaves and Rama is cutting wood.
Lakshman : So you mean, she's a demon?
Rama : It seemed a lot like it. Misleading me into thinking that ...
Sita : That?
Rama : Never mind. Like I said, two demons jumped out of the blue.
Sita : How did you know they were demons?
Rama : Because one of them ...
*Rama wipes off a sweat on his forehead.
Rama : Was the demon in Sarayu River whom I thought I already slayed. She was simply injured.
Lakshman : You mean, that crazy demon girl who kept on freaking me out?
Rama : She might have done it because she tasted your fear. Demons are good at that.
Sita : So ... you really ... cut off her breasts?
Rama : So this is what really happened, after the three "girlfriend" demons unite, they were having their girl talk. They were like ...
*Rama starts imitating girly voices and Sita and Lakshman looks at him horribly.
Rama : Ehem. I was aiming for her neck. It would have killed her straight. But she was jumping up and down ... and let's just say a couple saved her neck.
Lakshman : Her ... her???
*Lakshman bursts into laughter and Sita joins him. Rama looks embarrassed.
*Rama, Lakshman, and Sita hears a sound.
b. Open Season
Lakshman : What was that?
Rama : No idea. But we best not keep ourselves offguard.
*Rama takes out his bow and arrow and shoots it. A deer comes out hurt.
Sita : Stop! What a magnificent beauty.
Lakshman : I don't know about that. Madame Viswamithra taught me of a sign like this. I just ... just cannot recall.
*Lakshman says as he studies the fallen deer. Just then, the deer runs away.
Sita : Rama! Do something. The poor thing could get attacked by any creature in the forest!
Rama : But ... but ...
Sita : Lakshman will be here to protect me. Go! Go!
*Rama hesitates at first and kept on looking back as he ran after the deer.
c. A Sadhu Suitor
... Deep in the forest ...
*Rama continues to chase the deer and when he finally caught him in a dead end...
Rama : You know, my wife told me to rescue you. But I might as well bring you home for dinner. Any last words, you foul beast? Nah ... never mind.
*Rama lets go of the arrow and knocks the deer dead.
Deer : Help me, Sita, help me!!! (in Rama's voice).
Rama : That's weird, imitating my voice. How very strange. Well, at least everyone gets a juicy dinner tonight.
*Rama says dragging the deer back to camp.
... Back in camp ...
Sita : Did you hear that? Rama's in trouble!
Lakshman : What? Oh. He can take care of himself.
Sita : Go after him, Lakshman.
Lakshman : I can't leave you here, either. He'd kill me.
Sita : Go!
Lakshman : No!
Sita : He could be dying. And I cannot forgive myself if he will! I will ... I will ... commit suicide.
Lakshman : Come on, princess, it's not like we have a rope or something.
Sita : I have this.
*Sita picks up a sharp dagger and shows it to him with a grim expression.
Sita : I shall cut my wrist, slit my throat, and I will haunt you forever if you ...
Lakshman : Okay, okay, just ... put that down and get in your hut.
*Lakshman leaves hurriedly and Sita goes in her hut.
*Ravana sneaks out of the trees and transforms into a Sadhu.
*The Sadhu coughs to get attention and pity.
Sadhu : Is anybody here? Please, I need water.
Sita : Sir, are you alright?
d. Abducting Sita
Sadhu : I was attacked. Have pity on me, child.
*Sadhu pretends to be weak and falls on the ground. Sita sits next to him.
Sita : Oh, you are badly injured! And I really do not know what to do.
Sadhu : You see that?
*Sadhu sits up weakly and pretends to point at something.
Sadhu : It's a magical herb that should be enough to heal me.
Sita : I don't see it, sir. Forgive me.
Sadhu : Look harder. It sparkles under the sun.
*Sita looks at the direction the Sadhu was pointing while he busies himself finding a cloth and a rope.
Sita : Sir ...
*Sita looks back at the Sadhu who was now wrapping her up in the cloth and tying her. Sita faints in shock and the Sadhu laughs an evil laugh and heads towards the trees. Then Ravana appears still laughing and drags Sita away.
e. Death of Jatayu
Jatayu : Ram dam da dam ...
*Jatayu sees Ravana who was still laughing and saw Sita and remembered that she was Rama's wife.
Jatayu : You let her go, you demon!
Ravana : Oh, a flying chicken.
*Ravana sets Sita down for a moment and flies after Jatayu.
Jatayu : That's no way to treat a lady! Besides, she's not yours.
Ravana : She is now.
Jatayu : According to my superpowers, your lust level has reached to the point that you cannot control. yourself. Don't you know she's married?
Ravana : Don't preach me.
Jatayu : She's my friend's wife.
Ravana : Where is he?
Jatayu : Well ...
*Jatayu pretends to look for Rama but Ravana quickly attacks him and he dies. Jatayu falls to the ground and Ravana picks up Sita and laughs once more.
*Rama and Lakshman finds Jatayu.
Rama : Jatayu! Jatayu!
Jatayu : Ff ... friends ...
Rama : What happened to you?
Jatayu : A ... a ... a ... de ... de ... mon ...
Rama : Yes?
Jatayu : G ... got ... you ... you ... r ... wife, f ... ffrie ... nd.
Rama : Where is she, now?
Jatayu : I ... I ...
*Jatayu draws in deep breaths. And Lakshman shakes him to regain his consciousness.
Lakshman : Just say it so we can get this over with!
Jatayu : ... don't know ... I ... tried to ... stop him ... I'm ... I'm ... sorry ... friend.
Rama : Rest, Jatayu. I ... I can't forgive myself because ... you'll die because of me.
Jatayu : With great ... pp ... ower ... comes ... great ...
Lakshman : This is so awkward. We better go now, Rama. Sita's in grave danger.
Rama : Can't you see him, Lakshman? He's dying. And it's all because he cares for me. Us.
Jatayu : No ... I failed you ... friends. So ... so ... rry ...
*Jatayu dies. Rama and Lakshman stand up and bow their heads.
Lakshman : We better go.
Rama : Now is the time to.
Scene 13 : Monkey Business
a. Helping Sugreeva and Hanuman
... Still deep within the forest ...
*Rama looks frantically for Sita and calls out her name tirelessly. Lakshman falls really tired.
Lakshman : We've searched everywhere, Rama, rest or you yourself will die.
Rama : No! I cannot lose her. Sita! Sita! She has got to be somewhere.
Hanuman : Somewhere ... out there ... beneathe the pale moonlight ...
Rama : Stop it, Lakshman. It won't help singing me.
*Rama falls next to Lakshman.
Lakshman : I don't sing, Rama. It makes me more gay.
Rama : Then who was that?
*Hanuman appears to them out of the trees.
Hanuman : I am sorry, sirs. It's just that, my friend and I are lonely too and we sing ourselves to make us feel better.
Rama : Is that so?
Lakshman : Why do I keep on imagining animals can talk?
Hanuman : It's alright, my Lord Sugreeva. They are nice people.
Lakshman : There's more?
*Sugreeva appears to them out of the trees.
Sugreeva : Are you sure?
Lakshman : Who are you and how do you manage to talk?
Hanuman : I am Hanuman, lieutenant general and this is King Sugreeva and we are from the monkey kingdom.
*Rama simply nods to acknowledge them despite his being tired.
Hanuman : Sir? Are you alright? How can we help you?
Rama : By chance, have you seen a demon pass by here? Carting away a woman?
Hanuman : No ... no. But that would have entertained us.
*Rama looks even more sad.
Sugreeva : Why don't we ask my friend, Sampathi.
Rama : Yes ... yes ... please. Just try. I just cannot lose my wife.
Scene 14 : The Roasted Naked Chicken
a. The Acquaintance with Sampathi
*Sugreeva calls on Sampathi and a big roasted bird appeared to them.
Lakshman : What the hell is that?
Sampathi : New friends! New friends!
Rama : How are you related to Jatayu?
Sampathi : You know my big brother? How is he?
Lakshman : He died.
Sampathi : Oh.
Hanuman : Wow, Sampathi. You look juicier than ever.
Sampathi : I may look roasted to perfection.
Hanuman : And flavored to satisfaction.
*Hanuman licks his mouth.
Sugreeva : Hanuman! Sampathi, I have friends here. And ... wait a minute ... I don't even know your names!
Hanuman : This one is Rama, he's the guy who lost his wife and Lakshman is his big mouthed brother.
Lakshman : Big mouthed?
Rama : Sampathi, have you seen a woman being carted off by a demon?
Sampathi : Was she your wife?
Rama : You have seen her?
*Rama stands up suddenly.
Sampathi : Yes! But they are not here in the jungle nor in the whole of India anymore. He flew her to Lanka. A beautiful island across the sea but cursed with demons.
Rama : How do we get there?
Hanuman : Can't you fly us, Sampathi?
Lakshman : There's no way I am flying with a fried chicken.
Sampathi : I can't bring you there all at once. There's got to be a way. Besides, you cannot go there and risk your lives.
Rama : But I have to go there now!
Sugreeva : Rama, let's not rush into making decisions.
Rama : But she's in grave danger!
Lakshman : You know, your highness, my brother's not spent a single night with his new bride yet.
Sugreeva : I see.
Rama : That's not why I want to save her!
Lakshman : But he really does care for her.
Sugreeva : Okay. I think I know where we can ask for help. Rama and Lakshman, fly with Sampathi. Hanuman and I will catch up. Let us visit Jambavan.
b. Searching for Sita
... In a cave ...
*Jambavan (monkey/m) sits and meditates.
Jamabavan (m) : Oh gods, grant me wisdom. Please. Grant me.
Sugreeva : Master Jambavan!
*Jamabavan (m) puts on his eyeglasses.
Jambavan (m) : Is that you, King Sugreeva?
Sugreeva : We need your help. These are my friends, Sampathi, Rama, and Lakshman. And you remember Hanuman.
Jambavan (m) : Right. The troublemaker.
Hanuman : Oh! You remember!
Sugreeva : We need to get to Lanka. And fast. But we don't know how to.
Jambavan (m) : You don't need my wisdom. You have your own common sense to tell you that Lanka is acursed with demons and a land of cult and evil. Why in Brahma's name will you go there?
Sampathi : Master Jambavan, Ravana took Rama's wife.
Jambavan (m) : Don't say that name!
Sugreeva : It's true.
Jambavan (m) : Let me tell you something. Sit down. He who must not be named...
Hanuman : Voldemort? Oh, I think you mean Ravana. Go on ...
*Everyone shhs him as they sat around the circle.
Jambavan (m) : He was once favorable in the eyes of the gods. And he took advantage of them. Got the best of them. Shiva, who is homo ...
Hanuman : Homosexual?
Jambavan (m) : Please, Hanuman. He got attracted to Ravana. And he fell in love with the youthful Ravana. And the scheming Ravana asked him a favor. He did not refuse. Shiva went straight to Brahma and asked him to grant Ravana the gift of immortality. Brahma hesitated at first but Shiva convinced him well. Brahma granted Ravana a gift alright. And that his death would neither be caused by demons nor gods.
Rama : But that's not immortal. He could be killed by man. The gift did not include that.
Jambavan (m) : Which is why Vishnu became man. To destroy Ravana once and for all.
Rama : Where is he?
Jambavan (m) : You are Vishnu, Rama.
*Everyone looks shocked at Rama. Especially Lakshman.
Lakshman : Bro, you're a god? What is more, you're Vishnu!
Sugreeva : So you mean he is destined to defeat Ravana?
Jambavan (m) : Certainly.
Hanuman : In that case, we should all just lounge in the beach facing Lanka. We don't need to risk our lives there. I mean, you're a god. And you can surely defeat him. That's your fate. Just relax.
Jambavan (m) : Not certain. Prince Rama needs to act, too.
Hanuman : He does?
Hanuman and Sugreeva : You're a prince?
Sampathi and Lakshman : And a god! Oh my Brahma Vishnu Shiva!
Jambavan (m) : Now that you know, we need a plan. And it involves the troublemaker.
Hanuman : Why me?
Jambavan (m) : You have been given the gift to enlarge yourself right? Go and spy in Lanka and bring back as much information as you can.
Sugreeva : Of course! Thank you, Master Jambavan. Let us go!
*Everyone turns to leave but Master Jambavan calls back at them.
Jambavan (m) : Wait!
*Everyone turns to listen to whatever he had to say. Jambavan (m) takes out his sword.
Vibisnana : I'll join the war!
Scene 15 : Balls of Fury
a. Gigantic Hanuman
... On the shore of India ...
*Hanuman, Sampathi, Sugreeva, Lakshman, Rama, and Jambavan gathers around.
Jambavan (m) : You know what you are going to do.
Hanuman : I know, I know. I press this blasted button and I become fat.
Sugreeva : Giant.
Hanuman : Whatever!
Lakshman : Push it, now!
Hanuman : Ok, ok.
*Hanuman pushes the button and he becomes giant.
Hanuman : So long, short stuffs!
*Hanuman waves goodbye and walks on water to Lanka.
... In Lanka, full of flowers and beauty ...
Hanuman : Hard to believe this place is cursed.
Sita : No! Please, no. I don't want to.
*Hanuman hears Sita from afar.
Hanuman : Poor lady. That must be Rama's wife!
*Hanuman pushes the button and shrinks back to his normal size and follows the voice.
... In the evil lair of Hanuman ...
*Sita is being pulled by the demon ladies and forced to dance for Ravana. She is in a sassy bellydancing outfit, FYI.
Demon 1 : Sita, dance with us!
Demon 2 : It's not likely for Ravana to wait.
Demon 3 : Don't make him.
Demon 4 : It only makes him desire you more.
Sita : No! Don't. Please, I implore you.
Ravana : Dance!
*All the demons chant "Dance". Sita breaks free and Hanuman looks at her with pity.
Soorpanaka : Sheesh. Can't she take a joke?
Ravana : Leave her be.
Soorpanaka : Doesn't she test your patience?
Ravana : I have her for an eternity. I will perform the ritual on her when she ripes fully. I have all the time in the world.
Soorpanaka : Just because you think Rama does not know where she is ...
Ravana : Correction "Know". I know that there is no way he can find her.
Thataka : He never gives up.
Ravana : How do you know.
Kara : Those were his words when Thataka was defeated in the battle. He took pride of her. She was his first slain demon. At least, that was what he thought.
Ravana : I have to make Sita love me. But how?
Hanuman : Ha! There's no way you can make you love her.
Ravana : Who's there?
Hanuman : Whoops.
Ravana : Intruder! Get him, Abudhabi! Slaves!
*The Demons and Abudhabi seize him and made him face Ravana who stood up.
Hanuman : Get off me, freaks!
Ravana : Indrajit!
Indrajit : Yes, father.
Hanuman : You have a kid?
Ravana : You got a problem with that? Remind this monkey who's boss here.
Hanuman : I am an innocent primate.
Indrajit : So am I.
b. Setting Fire
*Indrajit lights a match.
Indrajit : You should have been a good monkey.
Hanuman : I am! I am!
*Indrajit mocks a laugh.
Indrajit : Here, father.
*Indrajit hands the lit matchstick to Ravana and he sets fire upon Hanuman.
Hanuman : Ah! It's hot hot hot!
*Hanuman presses the button, becomes giant, and sets fire upon Lanka.
Demons : Ah! We're burning!
Ravana : You fool! How dare you put my city in fire! Come back here!
*Hanuman turns to Sita who looked at him in awe.
Hanuman : Don't worry, my fair lady. Rama is coming to save you. Just hold on.
*Hanuman turns once again to Ravana and his demons.
Hanuman : So long, my friends. You shall remember this day, the day you almost caught, Lieutenant General Hanuman.
*Hanuman makes a final exit and leaves quickly. He crossed the sea and when he reached India, he transformed back into a small monkey.
... In Ravana's lair ...
*Ravana throws things and the demons defend themselves.
Ravana : You idiots! You cannot even destroy a monkey!
Soorpanaka : You must know by now that Rama is coming. The monkey was his spy. All the monkeys are on his side by now.
Ravana : Monkeys, aye?
*Ravana pretends to rub his chin.
Ravana : Soorpanaka, Indrajit, I think it's about time to awake your Uncle Kumbakarna.
... In a darker part of Ravana's lair ...
*Indrajit and Soorpanaka enters with Kumbakarna sleeping.
Soorpanaka : Uncle Kumbakarna. Uncle Kumbakarna.
Indrajit : Father summons you. Wake up you, blasted idle demon.
Soorpanaka : He will punish you.
Kumbakarna : Leave me be.
*Kumbakarna says with his face still facing the floor.
Indrajit : It involves monkeys.
Kumbakarna : What? Monkeys?
*Kumbakarna wakes up right away, wipes off the dripping saliva, and Indrajit and Soorpanaka smiles.
Soorpanaka : Eating monkeys, actually.
Scene 16 : LOSER !!!
a. Hanuman's Return
... Back in the jungle in India ...
*All the monkeys, Rama, Lakshman, Sugreeva, Sampathi, and Jambavan, assemble preparing and training to fight when Hanuman arrives.
Hanuman : Let us all go there now. I have brought information in exchange for a burnt tail.
*Hanuman shows his burnt tail angrily.
Rama : Have you see my wife?
Hanuman : She must have been your wife. She's a beautiful young maid but she looks sick there. She is punished and forced to do things she does not like. The demons are making a mess of her.
Rama : And? Did you tell her about me?
Hanuman : I told her that you were coming to save her and that she just needs to hold on.
Sugreeva : You've done well, Hanuman.
Jambavan (m): I am quite surprised.
Lakshman : So? What else did you find out?
Hanuman : At first, he never suspected anything. He relied on what he believed that you would never ever find your wife again but then he found me. He must be getting ready for a battle now.
Lakshman and Jambavan : You idiot!
Rama : We have been training while you were away, Hanuman. It's time to act.
Jambavan (m) : But we need to send another spy. And we cannot risk sending an idiot again. Nor can we send another monkey.
*Jambavan (m) exits.
Sugreeva : You are right. We need the element of surprise on our side.
Lakshman : But who can be our spy?
Jambavan (bear) : Will this do?
*Jambavan (bear/b) appears out of the trees.
Sugreeva : Master, are you sure you can do this?
Jambavan (b) : It's about time Ravana meets his doom.
Rama : Can I just say something?
*Everyone looks at him.
Rama : I ... I don't know why you guys stick with me and risk your lives to help me save my wife. I don't know why you care and look out for me when I don't care about the world anymore.
Lakshman : Because Rama, you're our pal. And you're my bro.
Sugreeva : And even if you're a prince or not.
Hanuman : A god or not.
Sampathi : We know that you'll do the same if this happens to us, too.
Jambavan (b) : So why do you even ask us this?
Rama : Oh, you guys. You're the best people in the world. Group hug!
*Group hug.
b. First Battle
... In Lanka's shoreline ...
*Ravana stands up in front of his troop facing Rama's troop who just arrived.
Ravana : The famous Rama.
*Ravana said in such a sarcastic tone and the demons who supported him jeered at Rama.
Rama : The infamous Ravana.
*Rama's troop reacted in response to the disrespect the demons did to them.
Ravana : I am not a man who fancies small chit chats as much as you do.
Rama : You're right. Come to think of it, you're not a man at all.
*Ravana is angered, snaps his fingers, and Abudhabi shows Sita tied to a tree.
Rama : Sita!
Sita : Please, just go and leave me here.
Rama : I will not!
Sita : I am not worth it. I am not worthy of the bloodshed.
Rama : Don't say that.
Ravana : Oh, you two make me sick. I'll let you off this with a bargain.
Rama : Make a bargain with a demon? I don't think so.
Ravana : Not until you hear my terms. There will be no need of risking the lives of your friends. You just have to let go of Sita and I will give you, my sister, Soorpanaka.
Soorpanaka : Remember me, loverboy?
*Soorpanaka runs playfully to the trees and now comes out as two, Soorpanaka and Kaikeyi.
Soorpanaka and Kaikeyi : Wouldn't you want to live your fantasies with me? Wouldn't you, Rama?
*Soorpanaka and Kaikeyi shifts back as one and Kaikeyi dominates.
Kaikeyi : I am sure that learning to love me is as easy as 1, 2, 3 ...
Rama : No! I do not want a bargain. My friends told me that they'd always be here to support me.
*Rama's troop cries out "yeah". Abudhabi gets in the mood and says "Alright!" and Ravana gives him an evil stare.
Ravana : All these drama is giving me a headache! The foulness in the air of my sanctuary!
Rama : Oh, stop being such a drama queen, Ravana! You'll need to save that for later.
*Battle Scene
c. Death of Kara
Ravana : Now is not the right time to be stupid, Kara, call forth your demons!
Kara : Let's fight like there's no tomorrow! Heeeeeeeyaaaaaaaah!
*Female demons say "Ayayayaya...".
Hanuman : Do what she just told you. Only, fight them!
*Monkeys go "Huhuhahuha...".
*Battle Scene.
Hanuman : Okay, Kara. This is between two generals.
Kara : Ha! What difference does it make?
Hanuman : You know, while you were busy fighting a while ago, I dropped some lice into your hair?
Kara : Oh no!
*Kara drops her weapons.
Hanuman : Oh yes.
Kara : Oh no!
Hanuman : Oh yes. I'll do you a favor and make them leave.
*Hanuman chops off her head.
Hanuman : See? Problem solved.
d. Humiliation of Ravana
*All the demons cry "Kara!". Soorpanaka leaves and weeps for her friend.
Rama : Let me make you a bargain, Ravana.
Ravana : Shut up!
Rama : Come on. You have not heard of the terms yet.
Ravana : Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
*Ravana jumps up and down and covers his ears.
Rama : We'll meet here again tomorrow. I guess it was unfair of me to attack you with no warning. I will not kill you today but maybe I will tomorrow.
Ravana : You mean, you pity me?
Rama : Ha! Don't get me wrong. I just want to embarrass you more. Besides, Kara needs a proper burial.
Ravana : Let us continue the battle.
Soorpanaka : Forget about your pride, big brother. Let us just retreat and continue the battle tomorrow.
Ravana : No! No!
*Ravana falls to the ground very embarrassed. The demons headed by Abudhabi drag him back to his lair.
Hanuman : So, who's up for rum? Say "I"
*All the monkeys say "I"
Scene 17 : LOSER the Finale
a. Death of Indrajit
... In the shores of Lanka ...
*Rama's and Ravana's troops face again.
Rama : So ... Ravana. Got hold of yourself already?
Ravana : You are about to regret it, you fool. You must be blind fighting me with a bunch of monkeys and your coward brother!
Lakshman : Did you just call me a coward?
*Lakshman takes out his sword and begins to swish it randomly.
Ravana : Indrajit, no!
Indrajit : Ah!
*Indrajit falls to the ground.
Lakshman : Where did he come from?
Jambavan : Of course! Indrajit could make himself invisible!
Sugreeva : And he tried to catch Lakshman off guard!
Hanuman : Geez, you're such a cheater!
Rama : Are you alright, Lakshman?
Lakshman : I think so.
Rama : It seems like you're over-excited, Ravana. Alright. Let's battle.
b. Death of Kumbakarna
Kumbakarna : Yum yum yum. Finger-licking good monkeys!
*Kumbakarna begins to eat monkeys.
Lakshman : That's gotta end with something tragic!
Rama : Who the hell is that?
Ravana : Why, that is my Uncle Kumbakarna. Craves monkey flesh.
Soorpanaka : And invincible.
Rama : I ... I am not so sure about that.
*Kumbakarna begins to fall to the ground and looks choked. Ravana goes near Kumbakarna.
Ravana : Uncle! What happened to you?
Kumbakarna : H ... h ... h ... air ... b ... ball.
Soorpanaka : He's dead?
Scene 18 : Bloods VS Crypts
a. Battle of Rama and Ravana
*Soorpanaka bends down and listens to Kumbakarna's chest.
Soorpanaka : He's dead! Oh uncle!
Ravana : I have had enough of you killing my brothers!
*Ravana takes out his sword.
Hanuman : Dude, one of them was your son. Why do you deny yourself as a father?
Ravana : You! I thought I burnt you already! You ran away like a coward. Just like your friend Rama.
*Everyone starts to look for Rama.
Ravana : Come out, come out, wherever you are. You big coward! Leading your pathetic troop then leave them defenseless against me!
*Rama reappears and shoots an arrow which hits to Ravana's heart. He brushes his hair again.
Rama : Ravana, Ravana, why can't you learn to shut up your own mouth?
*Cheers erupt from Rama's troop and the demons cry as they die.
Crowd : Long Live Prince Rama!!! Long Live Prince Rama!
Scene 19 : Barbeque
a. Through the Fire
*Lakshman unbinds the rope that tied Sita to the tree and she runs to Rama.
Sita : Rama! Thank Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva!
*Sita hugs Rama but he rejects him and walks away.
Sita : Did I do something wrong?
Hanuman : No you did not. She didn't right?
Sugreeva : I see no mistakes.
Sampathi : Maybe he's allergic to hugs.
Lakshman : Or maybe ... he's gotten jealous.
*All the monkeys begin to laugh and Sita cannot make anything out of it.
Jambavan (m) : Talk to him, child.
Sita : I will.
*Sita leaves the celebration and laughter.
... Deep in the forests of Lanka ...
*Sita finds Rama emoting and she hugs him from the back.
Rama : Just stop.
Sita : Why? Is there another woman?
Rama : No, but there is another man.
Sita : You mean ... you mean ...
Rama : Yes.
Sita : You're gay?!?
Rama : No! I am talking about Ravana. Why did you go with him?
Sita : He abducted me! Besides, why did you have to leave me?
Rama : You were fascinated with the god forsaken deer! Don't you remember? I left Lakshman to protect you but you sent him away. And I know the reason why.
Sita : You think I set the whole thing up? No! I heard you calling for help!
*Rama falls quiet remembering the deer and how imitated his voice.
Rama : Is that the reason? You risked yourself unprotected because you cared for me? Is that the truth?
Sita : I do not know. You never listen to me. You always think of me as a flirt. Why don't you trust me? Why ...
*Rama puts a finger on her lips to quiet her.
Rama : I understand now.
Sita : But you still look unconvinced. What must I do for you? To make things the way they were before?
*Rama takes her hand and they leave.
... When they return to where the monkeys were ...
*Rama whispers something to Jambavan and he whispers to the other monkeys. At first they look like they were going to object but Rama wanted it to be done.
... Burning coals ...
Rama : I am sorry it has to be this way.
Sita : I love you. And I just want you to know that if I don't make it out alive.
*Sita walks on the burning coals and bites her lip to stop screaming.
Lakshman : You're so cruel! How could you do this to your wife?
Rama : It must be done.
Jambavan : This is unacceptable! How barbaric of you, Rama!
Sugreeva : Someone has to save her!
Hanuman : Look at that!
*Hanuman points at a woman who had emerged out of the fires.
*Agnea brings Sita and puts her down to the ground.
Agnea : She loves you. And you have to be blind and ignorant not to see that.
*Rama bends down.
Rama : I was blinded by my own jealousy.
Sita : Yes. And did I mention that you're a cruel, insensitive ...
*Rama kisses Sita's forehead.
Rama : Apology accepted?
Sita : How can I refuse?
Scene 20 : DA END!
a. Happy Ending
... Back in the castle of Ayodhya ...
*Rama, Sita, Lakshman, and their new monkey friends return.
*Ending Song.
